“Hello”, as I think the people of your time say. The date is 5th June 2037. The insane engineers of my era have enabled me to send this report back in time thanks to Time Regression Communicative Technologies, developed under the auspices of The Institute of Scientifically Masked Literary Contrivances.
But that’s not all that our unstoppable technologists have done! This week they announced that they have finally achieved one of the most important goals of any naive, burgeoning utopia: optimising the dating websites available to its populace. We are now 100% efficient in our romance combinatorics systems. These are some of the procedures we use to maximise our expected love utility:
1. Relationship CVs
It is now frandatory to upload a ‘relationship CV’. Oh, sorry, you may not know what ‘frandatory’ means – it means a behaviour which you are free to do, but which is performed by so many people as to be, to all extents and purposes, mandatory. We don’t really disguise our euphemisms anymore (in fact, this is itself frandatory – and fun!).
Writing a good rCV is taught in schools. You need your References, of course, from your best ex partners. I’ve got a good one called Sally54;)XZ, who I was with for 3 years – which shows perseverance – and who was the initiator of our relationship termination process, so tries to make up for some of the guilt she still feels.
The worst section to fill in is this: “List all relationships you’ve been involved in over the past 10 years in chronological order. Include details of why each relationship terminated and explain any periods of unrelationship.” Nasty!
2. Meta-Hot™ Ratings
In our society, we may say that a dog is ‘hot’ (is that how you use the word?) but it wouldn’t mean much to say a human is ‘hot’! That’s not a quantitative variable, silly! The good people at Meta-Hot™ keep track of our quasi-objective hotness quotient. They display 3D videos of us on their site and it’s pretty much frandatory (and fun!) to rate people when you’re in an idle state. Everyone has an average Meta-Hot™ rating (taking the mean with outlier-adjusted discounting outside two standard deviations – that’s how we do!). I’m currently at 79.3%, and last year I had a temporary romantic placement with a 84.2%. Zing Zang a Zong Zong!
Of course, to gain access to the higher tier sites, you need to meet their thresholds. I’ve got a friend who’s on the 90%+ elite site – I know, it’s annoying how some people have it so good, but if it makes you feel better he suffers from Chronic Ennui, and also constipation.
3. Omniscient Destiny
Some whizz-kids in Korea wrote this algorithm that takes all of your personality parameters and matches you to the person on the system who you should definitely be with. It’s called ‘compatibilisaton’ and it relies on the mathematically proved Theorem of Omniscient Destiny: that, given a finite number of people and finite known facts about them, a computer process can match you to the single person you are destined to be with.
Sometimes, you don’t even know it! I have a few friends who are still in what seem to be unhappy, resentful relationships due to compatibilisation, but they just gotta wait, computer knows best!
And people say “but I was waiting for The One!” and anyone who knows any science says, “uh-uh, this is all you’re getting!” And it’s a bit weird at a party if you meet a girl whose compatibilisation told her she wasn’t compatible with anyone… awkward!
Anyway, these are just some of the ways that we maximise love. Just be patient, you’ll be here soon!
I think you will enjoy The Future. It is 66.4% less dystopian than your generation estimated, and we only suffer crushing hubris maybe twice a month.