BREAKING NEWS: Internet “not keeping up with” Abe Pindish

The entirety of the world’s online media is failing to generate new material at the rate needed to satisfy Mr. Pindish’s modest surfing appetite, according to reliable sources.   Tech correspondents, futurologists, film reviewers – and even editors of long-running whimsical web comics – have come under heavy fire today as a close friend of the man described their efforts as “just not good enough.”

Mr. Pindish refused to comment on this issue, but information has been leaked that at points this week he has “refreshed his browser several times on the front pages of established websites,” a practice that was quite alien to him in the internet’s heyday in the late 90s.  One can only imagine his mounting frustration and ennui, as he was met with the futility of trying to ‘speed up’ the internet in this manner.

This damning indictment of humanity’s combined creative forces comes on top of last week’s prevailing sentiments that ‘Google just doesn’t get what I mean like it used to’, and ‘YouTube was funnier when my mum didn’t watch it too’.  Bob Rosenthal, chairman of RAI and a spokesperson for the industry, said “just wait a couple of hours, we’ll have it back up and running, and besides have you seen that video on College Humor that’s really funny?  Oh, you have?”

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